The past is still alive in my head

I read a long blog entry that my brother wrote last year today and it was pretty interesting. He talked about being programed to be a Christian throughout childhood and how difficult it is to come out of that without talking yourself out of your own ideas about life/the universe etc. Specifically the charasmatic idea of the "gifts of the spirit" since we were raised to believe that prophecy/speaking in toungues and falling over and convulcing on the floor were all normal things that happen in church.

I think it was an interesting read because church or our parents taught us lessons that we have found out in life just aren't so. Even our mother has come to open her mind since divorcing my dad and realise that life is bigger, more diverse and much more full of grey areas than churchy types would have you believe. Something I remember all too well from our church youth group Sublime was the clicks. Even though I never went through the experience of an American High School (being from England I went to an all girls public school called Regents Park) Sublime was a pretty close representation of how High Schools look that it is a little unnerving. The leaders were like the jocks and cheer leaders of the church youth. They held the mic, played in the worship band and (if they were more the cheer leady types) performed dances that were meant to hold spiritual significance but were really just opportunities to girate in front of their male teenage counterparts without being obviously slutty and with the illusion of purity.

Needless to say I think it is probably clear where I ranked in the scheme of things there. Well, I guess I wasn't totally an outsider since I was a "cell leader" for a while, which means I had a group of about 4-5 girls who came to my house once a week and I was responsible for thinking of something to do that had spiritual/christiany significance. Fun times. It was a lot of pressure. I quit in the end because my school exams were coming up, my GCSEs, and I was so over stressed trying to get everything done.

I wasn't one of the "cool kids".. which really, how cool did they really think they were all huddled around praying and dancing with sticks? Haha. Am I mean spirited? I don't mean to be. It's more like a realisation that I was more an individual at 14 and a lot of them were at 18, yet I had so many confidence and self esteem problems. I wish I had known that they actually weren't that great and had someone, who wasn't my mum, tell me that I was awesome back then.