Grief and Loss, all re: #001

I've talked before about grief on this blog, and those days that change everything. This weekend I watched my friends have one of those days. I witnessed it happen. It changed things for all of us but not in the same way as the family and close friends involved. My friend Amy died, very suddenly. I want to write something because it's been dominating so much of my thoughts lately, I thought it might help.
I am so confused. I have all these regrets about not having tried harder in my friendship with Amy. When I first moved here she was my only friend. We hung out a lot and she was great. Over time we grew apart and each of us grew closer to other, new people in our lives. It was natural and normal. I met Kellie, and we bonded so quickly. I got to be closer with Angel and Deanna and over the last few months Silver too. But I feel bad that I will never get a second chance to build up our friendship again and that because of my STUPID FUCKING social anxiety I left Becky's baby shower forgetting to say goodbye to her, and when I realised that I forgot I didn't go back in the room and say hi. I kept walking because I thought I would look foolish if I turned on my heels and said just a few extra words. Apart from seeing her across the room at church or when we dropped off our kids at the nursery, and doing that 'hello' wave, we haven't spoken for so long.
I keep remembering all the little things that she did for me when I first moved here. Throwing me a little birthday party as a suprise after church on my 22nd. Taking me to the DMV and sitting there until I finished my written test. Shopping trips, lunch and dinner dates. Helping me move.. letting me do my laundry at her house. Coming with me to get my Wedding dress.. to name a few. What did I ever do for her? I offered help I guess, but I never just showed up for her. I hate that.
You know, nearly every room in my house has something in it that Amy either gave me/us or something she.. made (for want of a better word.) I mean of course, pictures that she took of me when I was pregnant with Evey are framed in my living room. Pictures she took of Evey at Judah's 1st birthday party are framed in our hallway. Old frames that used to be in her house are now in mine. The mirror in Evey's room, clothes in my closet, items in my kitchen. The purse I carry around every day have done for the past 2 months or so.
I started writing a list of things I am thankful for about a month ago. I mentioned her on it. I had planned to post it online, as part of my "I'm trying to be more positive" thing. I never got around to finishing it and now she's gone and she'll never know.