New Years and Resolutions.

I have been thinking a lot about the new year, which is approaching, slightly in my peripheral vision but very much there in bold with an exclamation point behind it. I will be 28 next year.. and in one week I will be able to say that I will be 29 next year.

I have some new year resolutions, of course, but more than that I have some ideas on ways I can live a fuller life. I am happy right now and I could go on like this quite happily, living my daily life, taking care of my children and loving my husband and having more children and just riding the wave of business that all of these people create. But I think the thing I am realizing is that, that is no longer enough for me.

As with so many things in life, I believe I have come to the realization of how affective I am be if I simply make the choice to be so.

I lived that way many years ago, but my life was smaller back then and so it was on a different scope. And also, the fears and worries I had back then were, I don't want to say silly, but they were adolescent in a way I suppose. "Adolescent" is probably a meaner way of saying silly now I think about it.

Always trying to be very careful not to upset past me.

It used to take me so much courage just to speak out, or even do something like offer someone my seat on the bus or smile at a stranger. I somehow thought I would look so foolish if they sneered at my effort to be sincere. I thought people looked through me, when I was a child and the act of stepping out and talking when no one had solicited information from me, seemed risky.

Of course now, years on, I know different. Time and experience have given me confidence and so the problems I face today seem a little more over whelming.

Taking up a new hobby when I am so busy... taking on a project that has no creative outcome accept teaching me more about a subject I have always been curious... Trying to make it my business to know more. Expand my mind and increase my intellect with no Bachelors Degree in sight and no accommodation from respected peers.

Can I be brave enough to do the things I want to do even if no one ever knows I did that? Or do I need the recognition of everyone who knows me in order to feel worthwhile?

With this in mind my New Years Resolutions are as follows:
1. .Continue with my piano lessons
2.Knit scarf for my Mum's Birthday and send it to her on time.
3. Start to write a critical study on The Bible; Is it the word of God? Write a pros and cons account - reasons people give for it's authenticity and against it. Write a history of the text itself, the trail that takes it apparently in tact, on a 2,000 year journey onto our shelves and who translated it and how we know people didn't fiddle with the content and concepts.
4. Volunteer to help Joyce in her business Brightside Arts.
5. Seek out a singing teacher for singing lessons
6. Learn and cook one brand new meal per month for my family from my vast aray of cookbooks.
7. Write more.
8. Be more creative in general. Sketch, make jewelry, paint with the kids.. design.. DO!

My Kentucky Fried Week Without My Man.

Mark is away in Kentucky for a conference with FTI / BBH and I miss him so much. It helps to occupy myself and it makes the time go faster. I have been exhausted the last two days, and I have three more days to go. I figure I'll tidy and clean as much as I can tonight and then have most of the day tomorrow off with the girls just having fun.

They were so so good today! They came all over town with me to work, the accountant, the bank... We were only at the park for about 45 minutes. I wish we could have stayed. Tomorrow the park will be full of bratty kids and I want my Evey to be able to run around and actually play and my Annie to be on the swings etc.

I am planning to take them to breakfast tomorrow morning for pancakes... or maybe I should make them myself to save money, hmmm... Then I thought we could go get more pumpkins so Evey and I can do more carving. Lots of playing in the back yard if the weather is nice. Lots of kids time and everything that is fun for them.

Sunday morning I am working in the 2 year old room at the church, unless I get someone to switch with me so that I can be with Annie in the infant room. She hasn't been in there all morning before and can be really tearful and clingy when she's over tired.

My schedule over the last few days has been like this:
Thursday: 6.30am - Mark leaves
7.30am - Kids up, breakfast, dressed
8.45am - Evey to preschool
9.15am - Annie & I to the grocery store
12pm - Pick up Evey from preschool; lunch & naps
PLAYING, DINNER, BED
Friday: 7.30am - Kids up, breakfast, dressed
9.30am - Office with Kids.. Jenny watches them in nursery while I work, 45 minutes
11.15am - Pick up checks from Shaw with kids
11.45am - Go back to Church & give in checks
12pm - lunch and naps
4pm - Bank and park
5.30 - Burger King for dinner
PLAYING, DINNER, BED

Positivity #2

* I love our house. I am grateful for what we have. The fact that we own everything inside our house out right and really have no debt, is wonderful. I love coming into our warm welcoming home and seeing 'us' everywhere. Mark and I. Our life; our kids. Our style, art, pictures. I wanted to be with Mark for so long and thought about what a life together would look like and I never thought it would be this wonderful.

* I love my girls. Evelyn Rose is an actress and Annabelle Heather is a comedian. Fo' sho'. They are wonderful.

Positivity #1

* I really apreciate that Mark is always ok with me going out and he's not possessive or demanding of all my free time. If I have the opportunity to go out and do something in an evening he always encourages me to go for it.

* I love how Annie default is to be so happy. I also love how, even though it'll bite me in the ass when she's older, she screams all the time when she doesn't want to do something or to get attention. I know it'll make for a challenge when she's young but I feel like it means she'll be the type of woman who won't take any crap and will go for what she wants and be couragous.

My 2009 Hair.

Don't be ashamed now, but I got my hair permed last week. :/ And guess what mother fucker? It didn't fucking work. So what have we learned? MY HAIR WON'T CURL!!!!!! It just won't.

And you know what else I realised, after watching parts of Chris Rock's Good Hair documentary on Oprah, I had my hair permed and have had it steadily bleached more and more and had thicker and thicker highlights over the last 10 months; but naturally my hair is dark brown and straight straight straight. Why the fuck have I been doing this to myself? WHY?!

At the end of this week I'm going to have some layers cut into my hair, since I haven't had a hair cut at all ALL YEAR, so hopefully that will help it be more healthy. I'm only going to go darker again too. Right now my hair has blonde and copper highlights, so I think I'll do chocolate brown and auburn/copper.

Fingers crossed on this one and maybe I'll learn my fucking lesson this time about trying to change myself.

My children.

I love my girls. I love their little personalities and how individual they are even at this young age. Evelyn has such an amazing imagination; she loves to make up stories, and names all her toys and is so happy. It's like her first response to life is to greet it with a smile and happiness; and any time she seems sad for no reason or fussy it's just so rare that it catches me off guard. I can usually talk her round and make her see the happy side of things pretty quickly too. She is never just having an off day, it's like an off ten or thirty minutes. Evey loves to dance, and is so good at remembering all the words to songs and stories. I feel like she could be such a good actress. It's all drama drama drama.
Annabelle is fearless, demanding and also happy by nature. She has bad days that can last and she is more needy, but she is also such a cuddle bug. She's a lover not a fighter. She's ticklish and it's pretty easy to make her laugh. She's strong willed and not easy going. She has an idea in her head about what she wants and what she doesn't want and it's impossible to make her do something that she doesn't want to do. I can already see this nurturing side of her as she loves to cuddle her baby dolls and cuddley toys. She sings and dances, she loves to read books and give kisses.
Both my girls are so bright and suprise me all the time. Annie is 10 months old and she nods her head when I ask her a question about whether she wants something. I feel like that's so advanced for a 10 month old. She gives me this big grin every time she does the sign language for 'all done' too which is adorable. It's because at first when she first started to do it I would cheer and make a huge deal over the fact that she did it.

Grief and Loss, all re: #001

I've talked before about grief on this blog, and those days that change everything. This weekend I watched my friends have one of those days. I witnessed it happen. It changed things for all of us but not in the same way as the family and close friends involved. My friend Amy died, very suddenly. I want to write something because it's been dominating so much of my thoughts lately, I thought it might help.
I am so confused. I have all these regrets about not having tried harder in my friendship with Amy. When I first moved here she was my only friend. We hung out a lot and she was great. Over time we grew apart and each of us grew closer to other, new people in our lives. It was natural and normal. I met Kellie, and we bonded so quickly. I got to be closer with Angel and Deanna and over the last few months Silver too. But I feel bad that I will never get a second chance to build up our friendship again and that because of my STUPID FUCKING social anxiety I left Becky's baby shower forgetting to say goodbye to her, and when I realised that I forgot I didn't go back in the room and say hi. I kept walking because I thought I would look foolish if I turned on my heels and said just a few extra words. Apart from seeing her across the room at church or when we dropped off our kids at the nursery, and doing that 'hello' wave, we haven't spoken for so long.
I keep remembering all the little things that she did for me when I first moved here. Throwing me a little birthday party as a suprise after church on my 22nd. Taking me to the DMV and sitting there until I finished my written test. Shopping trips, lunch and dinner dates. Helping me move.. letting me do my laundry at her house. Coming with me to get my Wedding dress.. to name a few. What did I ever do for her? I offered help I guess, but I never just showed up for her. I hate that.
You know, nearly every room in my house has something in it that Amy either gave me/us or something she.. made (for want of a better word.) I mean of course, pictures that she took of me when I was pregnant with Evey are framed in my living room. Pictures she took of Evey at Judah's 1st birthday party are framed in our hallway. Old frames that used to be in her house are now in mine. The mirror in Evey's room, clothes in my closet, items in my kitchen. The purse I carry around every day have done for the past 2 months or so.
I started writing a list of things I am thankful for about a month ago. I mentioned her on it. I had planned to post it online, as part of my "I'm trying to be more positive" thing. I never got around to finishing it and now she's gone and she'll never know.

The past is still alive in my head

I read a long blog entry that my brother wrote last year today and it was pretty interesting. He talked about being programed to be a Christian throughout childhood and how difficult it is to come out of that without talking yourself out of your own ideas about life/the universe etc. Specifically the charasmatic idea of the "gifts of the spirit" since we were raised to believe that prophecy/speaking in toungues and falling over and convulcing on the floor were all normal things that happen in church.

I think it was an interesting read because church or our parents taught us lessons that we have found out in life just aren't so. Even our mother has come to open her mind since divorcing my dad and realise that life is bigger, more diverse and much more full of grey areas than churchy types would have you believe. Something I remember all too well from our church youth group Sublime was the clicks. Even though I never went through the experience of an American High School (being from England I went to an all girls public school called Regents Park) Sublime was a pretty close representation of how High Schools look that it is a little unnerving. The leaders were like the jocks and cheer leaders of the church youth. They held the mic, played in the worship band and (if they were more the cheer leady types) performed dances that were meant to hold spiritual significance but were really just opportunities to girate in front of their male teenage counterparts without being obviously slutty and with the illusion of purity.

Needless to say I think it is probably clear where I ranked in the scheme of things there. Well, I guess I wasn't totally an outsider since I was a "cell leader" for a while, which means I had a group of about 4-5 girls who came to my house once a week and I was responsible for thinking of something to do that had spiritual/christiany significance. Fun times. It was a lot of pressure. I quit in the end because my school exams were coming up, my GCSEs, and I was so over stressed trying to get everything done.

I wasn't one of the "cool kids".. which really, how cool did they really think they were all huddled around praying and dancing with sticks? Haha. Am I mean spirited? I don't mean to be. It's more like a realisation that I was more an individual at 14 and a lot of them were at 18, yet I had so many confidence and self esteem problems. I wish I had known that they actually weren't that great and had someone, who wasn't my mum, tell me that I was awesome back then.

Frustration #002

I wonder about the link between female low self esteem and feminine characters in movies. Women have to take their clothes off to be an action hero. They have the be stupid or a complete uptight bitch to be in a comedy. They have to be insecure with some kind of haunting story from their past to be in a romantic comedy. Women are far less likely to be anything more than a one dimensional role in a movie.

Elderly women are the only ones who can be kind and sweet just for the sake of it. They can help, offer advice without any suspicion of an ulterior motive.

If a girl in a movie is beautiful, she is either a slut, stupid or a bitch OR (bonus) a slutty, stupid bitch.

If a girl is intelligent, then all she craves is romance and the attention of a man.

If she’s confident, she’s a bitch.

Where are all the positive multi dimensional role models in film? Nowhere.

*sigh*

A Little Something For The Not Faint Of Heart #001

I have been thinking about 'days' lately. The days that change our lives. You never know when you're in one until it's too late and you remember them for the rest of your life.
Time doesn't stop. It doesn't slow or skip. It hurdles forth like a bull charging at its target.
The phrase "the bottom fell out" describes the exact feeling of when you realise everything has changed. Your stomach feels like you swallowed a rock and your insides feel like they've gone three rounds with Wolverine's adamantium claws.
Hearing that someone is dead, hurt, leaving, has cheated or even angry or sad can change everything. It's like your life is laid out in front of you like a deck of cards and hearing any of those words feels like someone reshuffled the entire deck and laid them out again. Some of the cards may be the same, but everything looks different.
I fear those days. I've had them before and I wish I could live my whole life never having one again. If something happened to my kids, my husband, my parents, my brothers, my family or friends... just reading that back over I realise how arogant it makes me sound. I feel like I'm so important and above other people that I don't want anything happen to any of those people... I mean.. that's a lot of people. People all over the world live with pain, suffering and grief everyday, why should be exempt from that? What makes me more deserving than them?
Now this is going to sound really horrible, but I could live with some kind of special blessing of protection over just my kids and my husband. If something bad happened to them I don't know if I could live.
I would grief and be devastated if something bad happened to my parents etc, but I would be able to salvage my life again.

Sex #001

I'm listening to Dr.Laura Berman talk about sex and how to talk to your kids about sex. Specifically teenagers having sex. It's so interesting because as a teenager sex wasn't something I realistically thought about. ALL my friends were having sex and were dating these guys who were jerks and all of them were older than us. Now, I wasn't the prettiest girlie when I was younger. I like to characterize it like this: "I didn't go through puberty very well". I had braces, bottom and top, thick glasses, acne and I was overweight. Haha. It sounds like I'm describing someone else but technically all of theses things are true. I mean, I was awkward around boys. I didn't trust them at all because teenage boys are mean. I was bullied by my friend's boyfriends. They called me "fatty" and I was even called "pizza face" by my friends - man, kids are cruel. I didn't even kiss a boy until I was 19.
I wonder if I had been more attractive whether I would have done it. I had no self esteem as a young teenager and only gained it with age and life experience. I know most young girls have sex because they're getting all their self confidence from the boys who real off the compliments.
I just want my daughters to know that they're self worth is not dictated by men or boys. I want them to know that sex shouldn't be something that you have to lie about or feel shame about. Sex should be something you do with someone you love and care about. That it carries a great emotional responsibility because the feelings of rejection and loose that you feel if a relationship ends or someone you loved casts you aside are very intense and painful. I want them to hold the reigns on their own sexuality and not give this precious gift called Love to the first boy who tells them they have a pretty smile.

A couple of things about my day:

• I did finger painting with Evey when Annie was down for her first nap of the day.
• I pumped an ounce of breast milk with a hand pump while making a cheese quesadilla for lunch with the kids sat at the dining room table.
• I have a huge pile of laundry on the ping pong table, waiting for be put away. I feel like it's staring at me.
• I could kill my neighbour right now.
• I hate that the new MSN isn't working with the church server.

Frustration #001

My hair is straight. Straight straight straight. It doesn’t do curly. It doesn’t have a wave to it, it doesn’t curl under at the ends. My hair has a will of its own and an attitude to boot.

I can spend hours curling it, or use all manner of fancy beautiful hair accessories to form some celebritized “up-do”. It doesn’t make a difference. The curls fall out, the “up-do” becomes a “down-do” and I’m left looking like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

I will never have glamorous hair. I have had many occasions when I have seen these stylish women with their perfect hair and wished it could be me. But my hair can apparently read my mind and wants to sabotage my attempts to look like anyone but myself.