I have been thinking about 'days' lately. The days that change our lives. You never know when you're in one until it's too late and you remember them for the rest of your life.
Time doesn't stop. It doesn't slow or skip. It hurdles forth like a bull charging at its target.
The phrase "the bottom fell out" describes the exact feeling of when you realise everything has changed. Your stomach feels like you swallowed a rock and your insides feel like they've gone three rounds with Wolverine's adamantium claws.
Hearing that someone is dead, hurt, leaving, has cheated or even angry or sad can change everything. It's like your life is laid out in front of you like a deck of cards and hearing any of those words feels like someone reshuffled the entire deck and laid them out again. Some of the cards may be the same, but everything looks different.
I fear those days. I've had them before and I wish I could live my whole life never having one again. If something happened to my kids, my husband, my parents, my brothers, my family or friends... just reading that back over I realise how arogant it makes me sound. I feel like I'm so important and above other people that I don't want anything happen to any of those people... I mean.. that's a lot of people. People all over the world live with pain, suffering and grief everyday, why should be exempt from that? What makes me more deserving than them?
Now this is going to sound really horrible, but I could live with some kind of special blessing of protection over just my kids and my husband. If something bad happened to them I don't know if I could live.
I would grief and be devastated if something bad happened to my parents etc, but I would be able to salvage my life again.
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